Reflections and regrets

Would you say that you are exactly where you dreamed you would be 15 years ago? I definitely am not. I thought that, by now, I would be touring the world on a yacht, while drinking champagne with Justin Bieber – even though I’m not a fan of champagne or floating in a vessel on top of a large expanse of water. Minor details.

But, yes, I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I were still doing my own thing. I mean, despite the dream of sipping champagne on yachts, my previous life was more filled with drinking cheap wine in dodgy cars. The only Justin I knew was the one who sold me weed that one time when I couldn’t remember how I drove myself home from the club.

I made a bunch of decisions that I am not proud of because I was doing things out of spite, out of fear or because it made my human flesh feel good for a second. (Quick example: selling my car to have a jol in Cape Town was maybe not one of my finest decisions.) It was pretty evident that I wanted needed direction.

So I said yes to God.

The decision to surrender was very easy. There was no booming voice commanding me to give up control. There were no stage lights and loud music. I was alone in my room and gatvol of the life that I was living. It was pretty much a matter of: “Okay you’re God, so… do something God-like in my life because, seriously, I’m running out of options here and, clearly, what I’m doing is not working in my favour.”

My yes meant that I was willing to be shaped into whatever He wanted to turn me into. That surrender involved a complete life change (I wrote about some of it here).

I started changing the way that I think about myself, my thoughts towards other people and my thoughts about my future.

Prior to that, I thought that the most success I would achieve would be a boring office job, where I push papers all day, and get paid an average amount of money while maintaining a fairly decent single life. I mean, this was the end goal for me, because who am I to even consider achieving more than that?!

Healthy relationships, exciting hobbies, a whole family and a career – ghaaa! What do you think this is.. the movies?! I didn’t DARE dream this for me.

But God is in the business of giving you more than you ask or imagine (it says so right here). When I gave up control, He turned it all around for me and I went from being a single mom with no real future plans, to being a mom of many gorgeous kids, an okayish husband (kidding, he’s amazing!) and an exciting future.

And it all started on the day that I said yes.

When I gave up control, my hard heart was softened (this is not a metaphor, I now cry on command) and my thinking turned towards hope, and away from self-destruction.

And yeah, there may not be any yachts or Bieber visits in my near future, but I can honestly say that I am so thankful that I am nowhere near where I thought I’d be, 15 years ago! Thank God for that!

His plan is the best one.