Faith over Fear: A tapered journey

Guest post – There are moments in our lives that will either define us or break us. Lately I have been wondering which moment I’m living in. This is a narrow space and on either side of me the squeezing seems to be reaching a breaking point. The demands of life cry out to me from the moment my eyes open. I am a mom. A wife. A principal. A special needs educator. I am all things but there doesn’t seem to be space for me in my life.

Its 5am. My alarm blares loudly and it bounces around inside my head. Life rushes in and immediately those familiar anxious feelings encase my chest. It’s a mad dash to get two kids out the house and make the school run to two different schools and then I’m rushing into difficult days with difficult cases and managing issues  and life seems to rush by me while I’m standing still. Life seems to move so quickly that the days blend into each other and when I look again my children are a year older.

We have entered into a moment in our lives where we have our terrible toddler years coinciding with preteen hyper emotionalism. Our days are filled with 11 year old sized tantrums and bite sized ones. My life seems to be reaching within me and pulling out all the patience, endurance and persistence within me. Today I refereed a fight over dog poop…

My toddler, all grown up, announces to the empty lounge “Daisy made a poop, I clean it” and off he goes to pull off the tiniest piece of toilet paper he can get all the while my preteen has heard him and has gone to scoop it up. Toddler arrived back in the lounge to find the poop is missing. He starts crying and I call out around my toothbrush filled mouth “what’s going on” and preteen starts crying hysterically because no one appreciates her and no one cares about her or listens to her. I am now rushing out the door with two crying children.

Parenthood has got me all squeezed out this year. I, like so many others moms, have found myself really soul-challenged by parenting. I worry if I love them enough? Do I tell them enough? Do I discipline them enough? Do I discipline them correctly? Do I give them a voice? Am I teaching them to be strong while still preserving their gentleness? All the while I am on a tapered journey. There are days when I loose faith in what God is doing in our lives. “God, why wont my son sleep?”. “God, why does it feel like I’m losing my daughter?”.

I have wrestled with debilitating fear as I drive away from my children’s schools.  The question mark always hangs in the air. Will I see them again? I try not to catch it instead I let it slip into the faith I carry in my heart. This is a tapered journey, don’t you see?

There hasn’t been some bright light or a booming voice from heaven giving me all the miraculous answers I need for this moment of parenthood that I am in , however, God whispers gently to my tired soul. . .   “The narrow gate and the difficult way leads to eternal life—so few even find it!” – Matthew 7:14.

This moment of life is truly a defining one, it is a narrow gate and if I choose to partner with faith then on the other side is peace, patience, kindness, steadfastness and an unwavering knowledge that God’s got this.

When I wrestle with fear over my children and I choose to submit that to the faith that God will grant me the wisdom I need. He will help me to navigate this transitional season in both my children’s lives. Then I am allowing Him to move in our lives.

I allow Him to walk me along the tapered journey and the destination is fullness, wholeness and peace. I am learning to trust Him with my concerns and He is teaching me that He is in the details. He allows me a moment to lean into His goodness when I watch my children snuggled up together on the couch. Our preteen lovingly wraps her arms around her little brother and he is content. Then I know we will pass through the narrow gate of being pressed on all sides to enter into the rest that faith provides.

I have to admit even Daisy’s poop was a defining moment…

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