Heart matters

An ode to the end of maternity leave (it’s also a celebration)

The other day, my friend Ella remarked that it’s especially hard to blog when you’re going through stuff. Because, quite simply, you’re not always lus to air out your issues on your social platforms, man. I mean, I’m totally not one of those aunties, in the hood, who skels in the street.

But, also, some of us aren’t that good at faking the happy. Like, if I’m upset, I’d rather talk about it. In a super descriptive blog post. Like a normal person. (hahaha)

This is a huge problem when you’re all about promoting “being the light” and all that jazz. I mean, it’s hard to be positive/happy/not a turd when you’re saying exactly how you feel and how you feel is miserable.

Anyways, I found myself in this very spot during my maternity leave. Man, friends, it wasn’t so lekker. My body was broken (like, in literal pain every single day).

Needless to say, I didn’t feel like being the light. I was in a bad head space. And then, to add insult to injury,  someone’s voodoo ensured that my maternity leave falls over the school holidays. So I basically spent what was meant to be a relaxing holiday, uhh, not relaxing and alone at home with 3 small children (and pain, don’t forget the pain) for 6 long weeks. It was the opposite of fun.

Friends, I know I don’t need to tell you that I love my kids. I love the buggers… yep, they are beautiful and a blessing and the fruit of my loins and all of that… but I was exhausted and mizzy.

I tried to chat about it on the blog a couple of times but it felt like I was complaining (I was though). And I didn’t want to be that blogger, you know?

But, now that I’m on the other side of the storm, I can safely and securely say that: GUYS, MATERNITY LEAVE WITH KIDS EN TOW IS ROUGH! Do not try this at home! I repeat, do not try this!

I found myself resenting the very concept of motherhood and giving birth and maternity leave and husbands who get to go to work. When people would mention how lucky I was to be home with my kids, I wanted to, you know, roundhouse kick them in the face. (But ever so gently, so that I don’t come across as too aggressive.)

I found myself waking up at 6am each morning and wishing that everyone else could remain asleep until, like, 6pm that evening. I didn’t want to have to deal with anyone’s anything for another second. The burden and sacrifice of parenthood kinda hit me in the nuts. (If I had nuts.)

Returning to work has been the biggest blessing, you guys. For starters, I actually enjoy seeing my kids now because I had the chance to miss them while I sit alone at my desk, sipping on hot coffee and thinking thoughts that don’t involve which boob needs to be emptied next. And also, I kinda am excited to wake up at 6am because my day has purpose now.

With that said, your day could totally have purpose if you’re a stay at home mom. But maybe I wasn’t designed for that purpose. You know? And I’m okay with that.

Anyways, I guess I came here to say a bunch of random, cliche-sounding ish that you would hear in an episode of Dr Phil and Oprah. Random, cliche-sounding TRUTHS, I’ve learnt. Stuff like:

This too shall pass (just like gas, and your youth, nothing stays forever)

Joy comes in the morning (in my case, it was the morning when my maternity leave ended)

Kids grow up so fast (but painfully slow, when you’re at home with them every single day)

Love on your family as much as possible (even when they annoy you)

Look both ways before you cross the road (seemed fitting, but also, it’s a metaphor… ooh deeeep…)

If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all (words have power, yo)

Live your truth (because it’s super tiring putting on a mask and we’re already drained as it is folks)

When all else fails, pray. 

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