Sometimes I get why they call marriage an “institution”… because my Hubstopher literally makes me go mental. And the funny thing is, a couple of hours prior to that, I thought that unicorns and rainbows appeared when he pooped. How is it possible that someone, who is able to make your heart feel as if it’s beatboxing to a Justin Bieber song, can also, simultaneously, bring out the absolute worst in you? Look, ladies, let’s be honest, sometimes you just don’t want to be married anymore. Oh wait, is it just me then?
Yes, you heard me. Can we be real, ladies? I sometimes feel as if I don’t want to have to deal with another person and their needs and emotions and opinions. Being single seems pretty amazing at that point.
But then, eventually, when I’ve built the bridge, gotten over it, and stand there on the other side waiting for a cup of tea, I am reminded that this is what marriage is all about. The fluffy clouds and bare-butt cupids are one part of it, yes. But the “arrrgh can’t you just go away, but like also, stay here, because I don’t want you to leave me ever!” feelings are part of the package.
It has made me re-evaluate how I see marriage and weddings and all of that. Mushy messages and weekends away and roses are all great things. Love and being inlove is important. BUT are you willing to CHOOSE each other, over and over again for the rest of your life? Choosing each other means choosing to forgive no matter the cost… choosing to love through imperfection… choosing to be present and weather the storms, instead of bailing… and choosing to move on, after an upset. Like, if I had to remember each time Hubstopher and I had a disagreement, I would probably lose my ish.
The truth is that once everything has settled down, I’m just so amazed that this guy – in all his calmness – has decided that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and my (sometimes erratic) spreadsheet brain. The beauty of marriage is right there… in the mess. It’s there, deep in the ugly, when you’re having the worst argument ever and a couple of hours later, still find yourself wanting to love the other person.
And so even when I feel like I don’t want to be married anymore, I take a breath and remember that this feeling of complete overwhelm is just that… a feeling. This moment is but a ‘comma’ in our chapter. And I am thankful that even when I’m not being the best version of me, he still chooses me, every day. And I choose him too. And that’s what makes it worth it.