Whoop, there it is! You know… the “mom feelings” that tends to get all over the place while you’re trying to live your life. They have officially moved in. I thought that I had escaped it and that things would be different with this, my third baby. They said it would be easier this time around. I should be a pro by now! Somebody call Felicia Mabuza-Suttle… I deserve a feature already! Well, that’s what I thought anyways… until I realized that I had been catching mom feelings, yet again. And suddenly I was a pro no more.
If you hang out around here a lot you’ll know that the birth of my first two kids was extremely different. I mean, besides for the lack of husband or maturity that was prevalent when I gave birth to Kyle, 16 years ago, I also remember feeling really unprepared and inexperienced (which I was). It was a bit different when Kari was born three years ago. I was super duper “spreadsheet brain” prepared to the nineteenth degree of Oprah. I had read all the books, followed all the blogs, registered on all the websites. I mean, I could practically tell my OBGYN how to deliver my baby for me.
But as much as there were differences with my first two births, there were a lot of similarities too. I mean, when Kari was born it reminded me of the overwhelming sense of “this is mine!” that I experienced when I saw Kyle for the first time, all those years ago. Those “mommy feelings” catch you unaware and you’re suddenly filled with an explosion of love, purpose and dedication to this tiny human. And it was the same with baby Jo – He’s mine! My baby!
But, I must be honest, I was secretly hoping that those other mommy feelings would not follow too. I mean, with this smorgasbord of “mom life” surely I get to have a choice, right? Well there were some things that I did NOT want, thank you very much. Things like getting so emotionally attached to your child that hearing him cry in the next room makes your heart jump out of its chest (and your boobs leak). And things like having second (and third and fourth) doubts about getting that babysitter, for a night out, because you can’t bare to leave your baby with someone else. And let’s not even get into the dreaded “aaack my maternity leave is almost over and now my heart is broken” feeling. I did not want that. Thanks, but no thanks. Put it away, Penelope! I wanted to be independent of all those mommy emotions. I had planned to get out of bed, jet off to work, kick butt and take names (and all those other really cool ways to say that you did a good job today), without sitting and pining at my desk hoping that my little one is not missing me as much as I miss him.
And then, this morning, as I was staring at my beautiful Jo, I had to come to terms with the fact that I can’t escape it – I am his mommy! And yes, I have caught deep and heavy feelings. I’m utterly enamored with this fat cheeked boy! And I’m going to enjoy every minute of this feeling. It is in this vulnerability and weakness where we find our true mommy grit. That deep sense of compassion, fierce need to overprotect and overwhelming feeling of being inlove with this tiny human being who can’t even wipe their own bums yet… that right there is what ties you to this little heart. No one can love your child like you can.
So no, it never gets easier! Being a mommy never gets easier. Because the load is never light. Loving your kids will always weigh heavy on your heart and fill you with the deepest sense of belonging. And I’m okay with it.