So Kyle’s on holiday in Cape Town and while I miss him a lot (and the tea he makes), I’m always so happy when he gets to spend time with his dad, stepmum and the rest of his ‘other’ family.
I’ve never really been an advocate for “baby mama drama”. Not that I was immune to it. I’ll admit, Kyle’s dad and I have had our fair share of being mean to each other. There were many nights, preceding our break up, that thoughts of spitefulness crossed my mind. I mean, if I’m not happy, why should he be? Why should I allow him full access to MY child? I am the mother, after all, so I have more say in his life than the dad does, right?
And come on, ladies, let’s be real, when another woman enters the picture, you might as well put on your Shaneequa weave and hoop earrings because “oh helllllls no! No other woman’s going to be mother to MY child!” Suddenly, the ‘best interest’ of your child becomes the motive behind every crazy demand and every bitter argument… and in your mind, it all makes sense. But in actual fact, it doesn’t make sense. Well, not if you really have the best interest of your kid in mind.
I’ve learnt that my son’s father’s wife is important… just as important as I am, actually. Who cares that I “was here first”. Come on ladies! Yes, I’m the kid’s mother, but hey guess what, I don’t need a pedestal. I just need you to love my child and work with me to make sure he is happy and healthy. I am blessed to say that my boy’s stepmama is very sweet and always regards me with respect, which I did not even ask for, but really appreciate. She loves my boy and has been able to chat him about stuff that he would never open up to me about. And if you consider the fact that he spends almost every holiday in Cape Town, it feels good knowing that there’s another me (so to say) over there, keeping an eye on him and making sure he brushes his teeth.
I’ve learnt that putting my kid first means that I an willing to work harmoniously with his dad, in order to make sure that the most important stuff is taken care of. WE are his parents. I’m not a majority share holder. One of the most devastating facts of our country is that so many children are growing up without proper father figures. The fatherless youth of today struggle with identity. They don’t know where they come from and they are not sure where they are going to. I cannot begin to explain how valuable the input of a loving father is… how much it adds to the growth and stability of a child! So if my kid’s dad WANTS to be in his life, who am I to deny that?
I’ve learnt that my boy’s father actually really does love him and if he can’t pay for something or buy something, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. It just means that he isn’t able to give the cash. Money does not equate to love, yo. We agree on who pays for what, and guess what… in the rare occasion where one of us is unable to do what we are meant to do, the other one steps in, if they can. I guess, this only works in a situation where both parties are not out to get the better “deal”.
I’ve learnt that bad mouthing my kid’s dad does not make me the better parent. It makes me the bitter parent. And it breaks down my son’s hero, which will make ME a zero in his eyes. It helps that his father and I are able to openly tell each other when we are not happy with something. (In a respectable way). I guess the secret is to keep your eyes on the prize: What would be better for our child? NOT “What would make me the superior one?”
I’ve learnt that my Hubstopher is the best father to my son, while his own dad is in Cape Town. But Hubstopher is NOT my son’s father. My boy’s father and I make decisions about his life. Hubstopher and I make decisions about what happens in our house. And somehow, we have to work on merging the 2, in a way that is respectful to all parties involved and in the best interest of the CHILD and not anyone’s pride. I couldn’t have married a better man!
And lastly, I’ve learnt that, at the end of the day, God gave us a precious gift and it is our responsibility to make sure that Kyle grows up to be the best Kyle he could ever be! His dad and I have lived our lives and made our own decisions, and the child played no part in it. Why should he suffer? I’m sure this blog post has made us sound like superhumans, so please, allow me to clarify: It has NOT been an easy road! But it’s all worth it in the end. Kyle deserves to have his best chance, and that is exactly what we are going to give him.